Shakespeare in the time of Scientific Dictatorship

Hamlet would be much shorter (the play, not the man). In fact a few songs and commercial breaks wouldn't go a miss.

Hamlet's father, the King of Denmark, is found dead in a forest having apparently committed suicide. His wrists are cut, but there is no blood at the scene. There's an empty bottle of painkillers, but no evidence of ingestion. Hamlet's father a very jovial, public figure and a brave warrior, who had fought in the Arab lands, is, after his death, portrayed throughout the kingdom as a sensitive, shy man, who cracked up under the glare of public scrutiny.

Significantly, two weeks before his death, the King had announced the withdrawal of Denmark from a planned pre-emptive crusade against Muslim infidels, who in his view no longer presented a threat to domestic security.

While under the influence of a cocktail of psychoactive drugs administered by the Apothecary to help him concentrate in class, Prince Hamlet sees the ghost of his father, who has some shocking news for him. The dead King explains how he was knocked off by a team of French secret service agents on the orders of Uncle Claudius, who has since become king and married Queen Gertrude, Hamlet's mother, "with undue haste".

Prince Hamlet is understandably a little miffed and decides to investigate the death for himself. Later, he sends emails to his college friends Horatio, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, in which he explains that there is much more to heaven and earth than can be read about in the mainstream media.

In the email, Hamlet gives a fully documented and evidenced account of the conspiracy to kill his father, and details his intentions to overthrow the New Royal Order and reinstate justice and the rule of law in Denmark.

In reply, Horatio gives some credibility to Hamlet's claims, but insists that he's too busy at work at the moment to get more involved, and has a mortgage to pay etc. Rosencrantz and Guildenstren, however, dismiss Hamlet's claims out of hand as "pure conspiracy theory".

Government spies Yahoo.com intercept Hamlet's emails and turn them over to the King, who forwards them to Polonius for analysis. Polonius diagnoses Hamlet with Mean World Syndrome and instructs the Apothecary to put Hamlet on Prozac. After a few weeks Hamlet is feeling better, or at least less agitated.

Ophelia, Polonius' beautiful daughter, falls in love with Prince Hamlet but is distraught by his lack of interest in her approaches. "He just stares at the telly" she tells the apothecary. "Can you give me a potion that will help me win his heart?" she pleads. The apothecary gives her a bottle of Viagra tablets "to be dissolved into his mead at Vespers". He also puts Ophelia on Prozac to cut down on all the "unnecessary dramatics".

Polonius' son, Laertes, returns from a trip abroad up to his eyes in debt. His father recommends that he transfers his debts to credit cards that currently offer 0% interest and if that's not possible to consolidate his debts into one big loan, which can be paid off in manageable monthly amounts. "Anyway, don't worry about all that nonsense for the moment" says Polonius, "Let's watch a bit of telly".

The story of the Prince is then abandoned completely for the rest of the play and the famous "play within the play" begins, which in this case is real-time TV projected onto a a huge screen backdrop and watched by the entire cast, and the audience.

At the very end of the play, we are informed by a delighted newsreader that Denmark has been annexed by Norway, the cast lets out a big cheer. Curtain fall.

Other Shakespearean twists:

Henry V: "The fewer the men, the greater the share of power".

Henry iv (Part II): Sir John Falstaff dies in need of routine heart-valve operation. He was placed at the bottom of the hospital waiting list due to his obesity. Bardolph, Pistol, Mistress Quickly and Falstaff's pageboy gather at his wake and agree that he was indeed too fat to deserve medical attention. "And he was old", added the pageboy, to which the others nodded their agreement.

Julius Caeser: After a terrorist attack, Julius declares himself above the Senate and initiates a military takeover of the Empire. But nobody realises because the media ignore it and most high-ranking politicians are owned by the same international banking cartels that own Julius.

Romeo and Juliet: Yes, the tragic ending to this play could have been averted with a timely SMS. But it doesn't get to that stage as Romeo is quickly sectioned as an obsessive stalker by the Capulet's lawyer, who provides evidence of thousands of amorous text messages and emails sent by the star-crossed lover to the under-age Montague girl at all hours of the night.


Solutions # 14: Think of history as a looking glass.